Monday, January 31, 2011

Ow.

So my prediction of needing lots of chocolate and distracting things came true, a little earlier than I'd anticipated. I broke up with my boyfriend on Friday.

It's the first time I've ever done this, or gone through the emotions associated with it. I saw it coming a mile off (we haven't been happy together for, probably, about 3.5 of the 7 years we were together), but it still surprised me how much it hurt. I keep having to remind myself that I'm single now, that it's acutally okay for me to look at other men and that it's no longer risque or border-line forbidden to put them in my thoughts rather than him...I think I'll probably have to remind myself of this a lot over the next little while.

The other thing - I've no longer got this...protective barrier, almost, between me and the rest of mankind (and some womankind), because I can no longer truthfully say 'Taken!' when anyone I don't like asks. Or anyone I do like, I suppose...since being 'taken' means I have one of those labels that other people get and understand and so I'd have a point of commonality with the rest of the world. Except that often backfired since people would ask me questions I wouldn't understand the need for, or be able to come up with answers for...so it's a bit of a toss up.

Still. I now find myself facing the idea of living in Alberta alone. Not just without Bean, but alone in the sense that I don't even have the idea of a prospective visit to look forward too. Well, a prospective visit from my friends, which would be awesome, and possibly family, but it's not the same thing...

I shouldn't whinge, though. In a way, I've been asking for this, hoping for it but never really having the strength to carry it out on my own. It's not a good way to think; the resentment builds up. The resentment's all gone, now, since now I'm sort of in that place I go when I don't want to confront my emotions (seems like I'm there a lot), so I'm actually a little numb right now...

I'm also unsure if I should mention my newfound status to anyone at work. It feels like I'm imposing on them. I'm also a little afraid of the I-told-you-so faces that I might incur, though that's silly because no one is going to be making that face at me. I hope, anyway. At the same time, this is one of those things you're supposed to tell your work mates, isn't it? The ones who would care, at any rate...

I dunno. I just dunno. I'm free, but still feel tied down. I haven't the foggiest idea how to go about meeting anyone else - not that I want to meet anyone else. Seven years of a relationship, one that lasted pretty much my entire adult life thus far, and I'm still completely ignorant about some things.

But I'm free. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. Eventually it might sink in.

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