Monday, January 31, 2011

Ow.

So my prediction of needing lots of chocolate and distracting things came true, a little earlier than I'd anticipated. I broke up with my boyfriend on Friday.

It's the first time I've ever done this, or gone through the emotions associated with it. I saw it coming a mile off (we haven't been happy together for, probably, about 3.5 of the 7 years we were together), but it still surprised me how much it hurt. I keep having to remind myself that I'm single now, that it's acutally okay for me to look at other men and that it's no longer risque or border-line forbidden to put them in my thoughts rather than him...I think I'll probably have to remind myself of this a lot over the next little while.

The other thing - I've no longer got this...protective barrier, almost, between me and the rest of mankind (and some womankind), because I can no longer truthfully say 'Taken!' when anyone I don't like asks. Or anyone I do like, I suppose...since being 'taken' means I have one of those labels that other people get and understand and so I'd have a point of commonality with the rest of the world. Except that often backfired since people would ask me questions I wouldn't understand the need for, or be able to come up with answers for...so it's a bit of a toss up.

Still. I now find myself facing the idea of living in Alberta alone. Not just without Bean, but alone in the sense that I don't even have the idea of a prospective visit to look forward too. Well, a prospective visit from my friends, which would be awesome, and possibly family, but it's not the same thing...

I shouldn't whinge, though. In a way, I've been asking for this, hoping for it but never really having the strength to carry it out on my own. It's not a good way to think; the resentment builds up. The resentment's all gone, now, since now I'm sort of in that place I go when I don't want to confront my emotions (seems like I'm there a lot), so I'm actually a little numb right now...

I'm also unsure if I should mention my newfound status to anyone at work. It feels like I'm imposing on them. I'm also a little afraid of the I-told-you-so faces that I might incur, though that's silly because no one is going to be making that face at me. I hope, anyway. At the same time, this is one of those things you're supposed to tell your work mates, isn't it? The ones who would care, at any rate...

I dunno. I just dunno. I'm free, but still feel tied down. I haven't the foggiest idea how to go about meeting anyone else - not that I want to meet anyone else. Seven years of a relationship, one that lasted pretty much my entire adult life thus far, and I'm still completely ignorant about some things.

But I'm free. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. Eventually it might sink in.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A Whole New Year...

In which to screw up.

Hee hee...no, not really.

I've decided I'm opening a savings account on Friday, which I really should have done about five weeks ago, but never actually got around to. Consequently, I don't think I'm going to have enough money to go to Vancouver with Bean before she goes. It's just really difficult to save with the first few paycheques at a new job, especially when the starting of that new job cooincides with Christmas and similar.

Anyway, now that it's 2011, it's time to actually start saving shit, since I've only got a few months before my self-imposed date of hauling my ass to Wales, and I really don't want a repeat of the last time I tried (and failed) to save up and go. That would just blow.

Bean's leaving at the end of the month, too. She's already booked her ticket to the UK, which is nice, especially since she'll be getting there on the 14th of Feb.

Something tells me I'm going to need a lot of chocolate at the end of the month. And chick flicks. And movies in which shit blows up a lot. Mindless violence. That sort of thing. Because I'm going to need a hell of a lot of distracting.

January is also editing month, for me. I've started going over The Hollow of White Hazel, looking for and targeting all the bits where it sucks...which is pretty much all of it, but I now have a better idea of where the biggest problem areas are, and how I can fix them, and even a better idea of where the story's going. Which still is, currently, nowhere. But it's a better nowhere than it was. If that made any sense.

I'm not entirely sure that it did. Oh well.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Note To Self:

Never drink tequilla again. EVER.