So my prediction of needing lots of chocolate and distracting things came true, a little earlier than I'd anticipated. I broke up with my boyfriend on Friday.
It's the first time I've ever done this, or gone through the emotions associated with it. I saw it coming a mile off (we haven't been happy together for, probably, about 3.5 of the 7 years we were together), but it still surprised me how much it hurt. I keep having to remind myself that I'm single now, that it's acutally okay for me to look at other men and that it's no longer risque or border-line forbidden to put them in my thoughts rather than him...I think I'll probably have to remind myself of this a lot over the next little while.
The other thing - I've no longer got this...protective barrier, almost, between me and the rest of mankind (and some womankind), because I can no longer truthfully say 'Taken!' when anyone I don't like asks. Or anyone I do like, I suppose...since being 'taken' means I have one of those labels that other people get and understand and so I'd have a point of commonality with the rest of the world. Except that often backfired since people would ask me questions I wouldn't understand the need for, or be able to come up with answers for...so it's a bit of a toss up.
Still. I now find myself facing the idea of living in Alberta alone. Not just without Bean, but alone in the sense that I don't even have the idea of a prospective visit to look forward too. Well, a prospective visit from my friends, which would be awesome, and possibly family, but it's not the same thing...
I shouldn't whinge, though. In a way, I've been asking for this, hoping for it but never really having the strength to carry it out on my own. It's not a good way to think; the resentment builds up. The resentment's all gone, now, since now I'm sort of in that place I go when I don't want to confront my emotions (seems like I'm there a lot), so I'm actually a little numb right now...
I'm also unsure if I should mention my newfound status to anyone at work. It feels like I'm imposing on them. I'm also a little afraid of the I-told-you-so faces that I might incur, though that's silly because no one is going to be making that face at me. I hope, anyway. At the same time, this is one of those things you're supposed to tell your work mates, isn't it? The ones who would care, at any rate...
I dunno. I just dunno. I'm free, but still feel tied down. I haven't the foggiest idea how to go about meeting anyone else - not that I want to meet anyone else. Seven years of a relationship, one that lasted pretty much my entire adult life thus far, and I'm still completely ignorant about some things.
But I'm free. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. Eventually it might sink in.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A Whole New Year...
In which to screw up.
Hee hee...no, not really.
I've decided I'm opening a savings account on Friday, which I really should have done about five weeks ago, but never actually got around to. Consequently, I don't think I'm going to have enough money to go to Vancouver with Bean before she goes. It's just really difficult to save with the first few paycheques at a new job, especially when the starting of that new job cooincides with Christmas and similar.
Anyway, now that it's 2011, it's time to actually start saving shit, since I've only got a few months before my self-imposed date of hauling my ass to Wales, and I really don't want a repeat of the last time I tried (and failed) to save up and go. That would just blow.
Bean's leaving at the end of the month, too. She's already booked her ticket to the UK, which is nice, especially since she'll be getting there on the 14th of Feb.
Something tells me I'm going to need a lot of chocolate at the end of the month. And chick flicks. And movies in which shit blows up a lot. Mindless violence. That sort of thing. Because I'm going to need a hell of a lot of distracting.
January is also editing month, for me. I've started going over The Hollow of White Hazel, looking for and targeting all the bits where it sucks...which is pretty much all of it, but I now have a better idea of where the biggest problem areas are, and how I can fix them, and even a better idea of where the story's going. Which still is, currently, nowhere. But it's a better nowhere than it was. If that made any sense.
I'm not entirely sure that it did. Oh well.
Hee hee...no, not really.
I've decided I'm opening a savings account on Friday, which I really should have done about five weeks ago, but never actually got around to. Consequently, I don't think I'm going to have enough money to go to Vancouver with Bean before she goes. It's just really difficult to save with the first few paycheques at a new job, especially when the starting of that new job cooincides with Christmas and similar.
Anyway, now that it's 2011, it's time to actually start saving shit, since I've only got a few months before my self-imposed date of hauling my ass to Wales, and I really don't want a repeat of the last time I tried (and failed) to save up and go. That would just blow.
Bean's leaving at the end of the month, too. She's already booked her ticket to the UK, which is nice, especially since she'll be getting there on the 14th of Feb.
Something tells me I'm going to need a lot of chocolate at the end of the month. And chick flicks. And movies in which shit blows up a lot. Mindless violence. That sort of thing. Because I'm going to need a hell of a lot of distracting.
January is also editing month, for me. I've started going over The Hollow of White Hazel, looking for and targeting all the bits where it sucks...which is pretty much all of it, but I now have a better idea of where the biggest problem areas are, and how I can fix them, and even a better idea of where the story's going. Which still is, currently, nowhere. But it's a better nowhere than it was. If that made any sense.
I'm not entirely sure that it did. Oh well.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
*Sigh*
Oh man.
Today was the first day I've worked where we were at full capacity, and I was scheduled to work it alone. Still, two of the managers came in to help out, which made me incredibly happy, since I didn't have to check in 89 people by myself.
In spite of the phone ringing practially off the hook, and people coming in every five minutes to ask for stuff, I actually had fun. Except for the embarrassing bits that involved my boss regailing the other manager with stories and impressions of how utterly smashed off my gourd I was at his Christmas dinner (I blame him; he made me do shots, and then play rockband. It wasn't the four bottles of raspberry cider I drank that got me that way. Not at all.). That bit was certainly entertaining, for other people, since I apparently kept offering to help clean up whilst simultaneously being unable to stand up. I don't remember this at all.
But no worries. Apart from one or two disasters that were averted because he was there, the night went swimmingly. Everything even balanced at the end, though there were reciepts that got lost in the shuffle, and my feet hurt something awful, but no one got overly pissed and screamed and yelled and everyone was helped to the best of our ability, so I'm calling this evening a win. Bean even got me chocolate >:D
Also, the snowboarding pics went up on Facebook, so I'm going to have to get Bean to snag a few. I've just got the one or two that I took while I was there, which aren't many because I spent most of my time trying to stand up.
Right. I think I'm going to spend the next few hours playing with some stories of mine, and then sleep for a million years. I'm debating, at the moment, using tomorrow to go in search of a 2.75mm and a 3.5mm crochet hook, or if I should just stick with my 2.55mm and 3.75mm hooks to make Chris' socks with...I suppose it depends on how much they are.
Whatever. Any excuse to get back to the yarn store, though I'm thinking any major purchases from there will have to wait. I kidna went a little overboard yesterday, with sushi.
Oh man. Sushi. *drool*
Today was the first day I've worked where we were at full capacity, and I was scheduled to work it alone. Still, two of the managers came in to help out, which made me incredibly happy, since I didn't have to check in 89 people by myself.
In spite of the phone ringing practially off the hook, and people coming in every five minutes to ask for stuff, I actually had fun. Except for the embarrassing bits that involved my boss regailing the other manager with stories and impressions of how utterly smashed off my gourd I was at his Christmas dinner (I blame him; he made me do shots, and then play rockband. It wasn't the four bottles of raspberry cider I drank that got me that way. Not at all.). That bit was certainly entertaining, for other people, since I apparently kept offering to help clean up whilst simultaneously being unable to stand up. I don't remember this at all.
But no worries. Apart from one or two disasters that were averted because he was there, the night went swimmingly. Everything even balanced at the end, though there were reciepts that got lost in the shuffle, and my feet hurt something awful, but no one got overly pissed and screamed and yelled and everyone was helped to the best of our ability, so I'm calling this evening a win. Bean even got me chocolate >:D
Also, the snowboarding pics went up on Facebook, so I'm going to have to get Bean to snag a few. I've just got the one or two that I took while I was there, which aren't many because I spent most of my time trying to stand up.
Right. I think I'm going to spend the next few hours playing with some stories of mine, and then sleep for a million years. I'm debating, at the moment, using tomorrow to go in search of a 2.75mm and a 3.5mm crochet hook, or if I should just stick with my 2.55mm and 3.75mm hooks to make Chris' socks with...I suppose it depends on how much they are.
Whatever. Any excuse to get back to the yarn store, though I'm thinking any major purchases from there will have to wait. I kidna went a little overboard yesterday, with sushi.
Oh man. Sushi. *drool*
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Ow
So I learned how to snowboard today...
I hurt. All over. I'm also exhausted, and have 5.5hrs left on my shift. Which is actually okay. I slept for a good four hours after I got home (and I napped on the bus on the way back from the mountain...and then fell off the seat when it stopped to let us off), so I'm not exhausted enough to need the Red Bull I bought for the occasion...yet...and I get to sleep tomorrow. All damn day.
My boss, Chris, is the awesomest boss that ever happened, hands down. No really. Not only did he drive me to and from work last night, but he lent me his extra snowboarding helmet and goggles, and stayed with me the entire four hours it took to get down the mountain, helping me up and encouraging me and laughing with me when I accidentally tried to pull his helmet off...twice (because I was using his head to prop me up after the 7891987263456349876163565th time I fell over and then fell over backwards and instinctively grabbed at the first thing I could reach...which was his head), took embarrassing pictures of me learning how to snowboard, and bought me beer halfway down. Plus, he's invited me and Bean over for Ecksmas dinner on Saturday, though we'll have to do it in shifts (on account of us both working the PM that evening). Friday, I'm making pie. I've decided. And I'm going to make him socks. For free. Because he's seriously that awesome.
So yeah. Awesomest boss that ever happened. Especially because he totally understood the way exhaustion + lack of oxygen due to thin atmosphere + booze = daft/giddy/somewhat drunk and mildly indignant me. That takes patience, believe me.
If I hadn't had to work tonight, I would totally have gone out for wings with everyone afterwards, but as it was, I limped home, put on some warm/dry clothes, mumbled at Athena (who had just been to the post office and had come back with my TARDIS Day present - YAY!) for a while, and then passed out for four hours or so. I had a quick shower before work, which was heavenly (hot water is the best gift the gods could ever have given us. I swear.)
But yeah. I had a blast learning how to snowboard, even though it's going to be at least a week before I get the ability to walk properly back. I'm not as stiff as I was expecting, since the basic stance of snowboarding is pretty much the same as the horse-stance we learned in karate all those years ago, and I guess I have some residual muscles from that, since I am actually still able to walk.
So glad I get to sleep tomorrow, though. So very, very glad.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wee
So tomorrow (which is technically today), I get to learn how to snowboard. My boss gave me a ride to work tonight, because he's just that awesome, and on the way he let me in on his plan, which is to stand by and watch us noobs fail miserably at staying upright while taking pictures of our various indignitites. Should be entertaining, later, if nothing else. >:D
I'm still a little apprehensive about learning how to snowboard, but it's mostly the apprehension of someone approaching something they've never done before. Jimmy's batteries are still showing as full, so that means I should be able to get a bunch of awesome pics. Though, I haven't been too thrilled with his battery life, these past couple weeks. I'm hoping that it running down between me taking a picture, turning it off for ten minutes, and then trying to take a picture again is because it was bloody cold out, and not because the battery is a bag of dicks. Because I really can't afford a new one, right now.
I did get one really awesome picture of the eclipse last night, just before the moon was completely covered. Just the one, mind; my hands shook for every other picture, except when the moon was half covered. But of the actual eclipse itself, I got just one. I've got another 132 years to practice, though, before the next eclipse cooincides with the Solstice, like it did this year.
Leastways, in this part of the world.
I wrote a quick ecksmas drabble; it's up on Dev. Co, and I sent it to a friend of mine to cheer her up, though there's nothing really cheerful about it, other than it being proof that I'm nuts. And bored. And bored to death. And also, that snowmen are creepy and I think if I have to spend much more time being forced to listen to ecksmas music, I might just kill someone. I have to work ecksmas eve, and ecksmas day, and New Years eve - and day - which works out for me because of the whole stat pay thing, but not so much in the whole not murdering someone vein, since I'll have to spend eight hours on all of those nights listening to all the same songs that I've been listening to for the past week or so.
I've solved this problem, though; headphones, in one ear, on night shifts. Wipes the bad taste of overplayed ecksmas music right out of my brain. With Opeth. >:D
Less than three hours before my boss comes to get me, though...and then it's off to the mountain to kill myself on a snowboard. Yay!
I'm still a little apprehensive about learning how to snowboard, but it's mostly the apprehension of someone approaching something they've never done before. Jimmy's batteries are still showing as full, so that means I should be able to get a bunch of awesome pics. Though, I haven't been too thrilled with his battery life, these past couple weeks. I'm hoping that it running down between me taking a picture, turning it off for ten minutes, and then trying to take a picture again is because it was bloody cold out, and not because the battery is a bag of dicks. Because I really can't afford a new one, right now.
I did get one really awesome picture of the eclipse last night, just before the moon was completely covered. Just the one, mind; my hands shook for every other picture, except when the moon was half covered. But of the actual eclipse itself, I got just one. I've got another 132 years to practice, though, before the next eclipse cooincides with the Solstice, like it did this year.
Leastways, in this part of the world.
I wrote a quick ecksmas drabble; it's up on Dev. Co, and I sent it to a friend of mine to cheer her up, though there's nothing really cheerful about it, other than it being proof that I'm nuts. And bored. And bored to death. And also, that snowmen are creepy and I think if I have to spend much more time being forced to listen to ecksmas music, I might just kill someone. I have to work ecksmas eve, and ecksmas day, and New Years eve - and day - which works out for me because of the whole stat pay thing, but not so much in the whole not murdering someone vein, since I'll have to spend eight hours on all of those nights listening to all the same songs that I've been listening to for the past week or so.
I've solved this problem, though; headphones, in one ear, on night shifts. Wipes the bad taste of overplayed ecksmas music right out of my brain. With Opeth. >:D
Less than three hours before my boss comes to get me, though...and then it's off to the mountain to kill myself on a snowboard. Yay!
Monday, December 20, 2010
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