Wakey Wakey

I've managed to stay out of the self-pity wallowing that I expected to follow the end of my relationship with my boyfriend. I think. I'm slightly afraid that it's making me seem callous and shallow...or callow...shallus? Hah. Whatever.

Clearly, distracting myself from reality isn't that much of a problem for me.

Anyway, I still haven't actually managed to refer to him as "my ex" more than once when speaking to everyone at work (pretty much everyone knows now). He's always just 'Jon'. I figure that's okay - seven years is a long time. It's pretty much the entirety of my adult life. There's going to be hangups like that - all I can do is accept them and move on. Or, at least, do my best to. Easier said than done, and all that.

It's just...it's a giant bag of dicks, is what it is.

And at the same time...I feel like I've finally come up for air, after being smothered for too long. Or like I'm waking up, after being asleep for ages. Or...any other similie, really, that represents a growing awareness of...freedom. Sun coming out from behind clouds and similar. It's like I've come to the head of a valley and there's all these trails to take and wonderful things down each one and I'll shut up now before I delve into sappiness, but the point is, giant bag of dicks aside, I actually feel alive for the first time in...I don't even know how long.

Going to the gym is helping a lot with this. A lot. I'm feeling good about how I look for the first time in at least three and a half of the last seven years, I'm flexible as all hell again (and can actually get my head to my knee without pre-stretching now, which I haven't been able to do in years), and beginning to re-teach myself basic synchro. Plus, I'm getting a friggin' corset in a couple of months or so. I'm already up to $17 of the $145, and this after a little over a week of gyming it.

That's a new word, that. Gyming. Or gymming. Not sure on the exact spelling, even though I'm the one that invented it, but there you have it. Next I just have to get it into the common lexicon. >:D

Seriously, though, I feel a little guilty about feeling so uplifted and free. And then I also feel guilty about missing the complacency that I'd been living in, of wanting to fall back into old patterns rather than move on and - at the same time - for wanting to move on. It's perverse, really. Backwards.

But I'm not turning into a crazy cat lady. That's for damn certain.

Ow.

So my prediction of needing lots of chocolate and distracting things came true, a little earlier than I'd anticipated. I broke up with my boyfriend on Friday.

It's the first time I've ever done this, or gone through the emotions associated with it. I saw it coming a mile off (we haven't been happy together for, probably, about 3.5 of the 7 years we were together), but it still surprised me how much it hurt. I keep having to remind myself that I'm single now, that it's acutally okay for me to look at other men and that it's no longer risque or border-line forbidden to put them in my thoughts rather than him...I think I'll probably have to remind myself of this a lot over the next little while.

The other thing - I've no longer got this...protective barrier, almost, between me and the rest of mankind (and some womankind), because I can no longer truthfully say 'Taken!' when anyone I don't like asks. Or anyone I do like, I suppose...since being 'taken' means I have one of those labels that other people get and understand and so I'd have a point of commonality with the rest of the world. Except that often backfired since people would ask me questions I wouldn't understand the need for, or be able to come up with answers for...so it's a bit of a toss up.

Still. I now find myself facing the idea of living in Alberta alone. Not just without Bean, but alone in the sense that I don't even have the idea of a prospective visit to look forward too. Well, a prospective visit from my friends, which would be awesome, and possibly family, but it's not the same thing...

I shouldn't whinge, though. In a way, I've been asking for this, hoping for it but never really having the strength to carry it out on my own. It's not a good way to think; the resentment builds up. The resentment's all gone, now, since now I'm sort of in that place I go when I don't want to confront my emotions (seems like I'm there a lot), so I'm actually a little numb right now...

I'm also unsure if I should mention my newfound status to anyone at work. It feels like I'm imposing on them. I'm also a little afraid of the I-told-you-so faces that I might incur, though that's silly because no one is going to be making that face at me. I hope, anyway. At the same time, this is one of those things you're supposed to tell your work mates, isn't it? The ones who would care, at any rate...

I dunno. I just dunno. I'm free, but still feel tied down. I haven't the foggiest idea how to go about meeting anyone else - not that I want to meet anyone else. Seven years of a relationship, one that lasted pretty much my entire adult life thus far, and I'm still completely ignorant about some things.

But I'm free. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. Eventually it might sink in.

A Whole New Year...

In which to screw up.

Hee hee...no, not really.

I've decided I'm opening a savings account on Friday, which I really should have done about five weeks ago, but never actually got around to. Consequently, I don't think I'm going to have enough money to go to Vancouver with Bean before she goes. It's just really difficult to save with the first few paycheques at a new job, especially when the starting of that new job cooincides with Christmas and similar.

Anyway, now that it's 2011, it's time to actually start saving shit, since I've only got a few months before my self-imposed date of hauling my ass to Wales, and I really don't want a repeat of the last time I tried (and failed) to save up and go. That would just blow.

Bean's leaving at the end of the month, too. She's already booked her ticket to the UK, which is nice, especially since she'll be getting there on the 14th of Feb.

Something tells me I'm going to need a lot of chocolate at the end of the month. And chick flicks. And movies in which shit blows up a lot. Mindless violence. That sort of thing. Because I'm going to need a hell of a lot of distracting.

January is also editing month, for me. I've started going over The Hollow of White Hazel, looking for and targeting all the bits where it sucks...which is pretty much all of it, but I now have a better idea of where the biggest problem areas are, and how I can fix them, and even a better idea of where the story's going. Which still is, currently, nowhere. But it's a better nowhere than it was. If that made any sense.

I'm not entirely sure that it did. Oh well.

Note To Self:

Never drink tequilla again. EVER.

*Sigh*

Oh man.

Today was the first day I've worked where we were at full capacity, and I was scheduled to work it alone. Still, two of the managers came in to help out, which made me incredibly happy, since I didn't have to check in 89 people by myself.

In spite of the phone ringing practially off the hook, and people coming in every five minutes to ask for stuff, I actually had fun. Except for the embarrassing bits that involved my boss regailing the other manager with stories and impressions of how utterly smashed off my gourd I was at his Christmas dinner (I blame him; he made me do shots, and then play rockband. It wasn't the four bottles of raspberry cider I drank that got me that way. Not at all.). That bit was certainly entertaining, for other people, since I apparently kept offering to help clean up whilst simultaneously being unable to stand up. I don't remember this at all.

But no worries. Apart from one or two disasters that were averted because he was there, the night went swimmingly. Everything even balanced at the end, though there were reciepts that got lost in the shuffle, and my feet hurt something awful, but no one got overly pissed and screamed and yelled and everyone was helped to the best of our ability, so I'm calling this evening a win. Bean even got me chocolate >:D

Also, the snowboarding pics went up on Facebook, so I'm going to have to get Bean to snag a few. I've just got the one or two that I took while I was there, which aren't many because I spent most of my time trying to stand up.

Right. I think I'm going to spend the next few hours playing with some stories of mine, and then sleep for a million years. I'm debating, at the moment, using tomorrow to go in search of a 2.75mm and a 3.5mm crochet hook, or if I should just stick with my 2.55mm and 3.75mm hooks to make Chris' socks with...I suppose it depends on how much they are.

Whatever. Any excuse to get back to the yarn store, though I'm thinking any major purchases from there will have to wait. I kidna went a little overboard yesterday, with sushi.

Oh man. Sushi. *drool*

Wee

So tomorrow (which is technically today), I get to learn how to snowboard. My boss gave me a ride to work tonight, because he's just that awesome, and on the way he let me in on his plan, which is to stand by and watch us noobs fail miserably at staying upright while taking pictures of our various indignitites. Should be entertaining, later, if nothing else. >:D

I'm still a little apprehensive about learning how to snowboard, but it's mostly the apprehension of someone approaching something they've never done before. Jimmy's batteries are still showing as full, so that means I should be able to get a bunch of awesome pics. Though, I haven't been too thrilled with his battery life, these past couple weeks. I'm hoping that it running down between me taking a picture, turning it off for ten minutes, and then trying to take a picture again is because it was bloody cold out, and not because the battery is a bag of dicks. Because I really can't afford a new one, right now.

I did get one really awesome picture of the eclipse last night, just before the moon was completely covered. Just the one, mind; my hands shook for every other picture, except when the moon was half covered. But of the actual eclipse itself, I got just one. I've got another 132 years to practice, though, before the next eclipse cooincides with the Solstice, like it did this year.

Leastways, in this part of the world.

I wrote a quick ecksmas drabble; it's up on Dev. Co, and I sent it to a friend of mine to cheer her up, though there's nothing really cheerful about it, other than it being proof that I'm nuts. And bored. And bored to death. And also, that snowmen are creepy and I think if I have to spend much more time being forced to listen to ecksmas music, I might just kill someone. I have to work ecksmas eve, and ecksmas day, and New Years eve - and day - which works out for me because of the whole stat pay thing, but not so much in the whole not murdering someone vein, since I'll have to spend eight hours on all of those nights listening to all the same songs that I've been listening to for the past week or so.

I've solved this problem, though; headphones, in one ear, on night shifts. Wipes the bad taste of overplayed ecksmas music right out of my brain. With Opeth. >:D

Less than three hours before my boss comes to get me, though...and then it's off to the mountain to kill myself on a snowboard. Yay!

Bah

So, this bloody computer lets me post stuff, but it doesn't let me look at this blog. I think it's something to do with the code for the background not being embedded, or something...I dunno. I just know it's annoying, and, also, a big bag of dicks.

I like that phrase: Bag of dicks. It makes me happy, for reasons I can't really explain. I can say things like "That drink was a bag of dicks," or, "Go suck a bag of dicks," and I get a smile on my face, every time. Athena and I have taken to using "Bagofdicks!" as a swear. It's an amazing amount of fun, though we try to keep it out of the public ear - and especially not use it at work.

I even made a tag that just says "Bag of dicks". >:D

But yeah. In other news, Head Office has declared that it's Christmas music for the rest of the Christmas season, or else we get canned. I don't think it'll go that far...I hope...but the end result is that I have to listen to bloody christmas music for eight hours straight, which is both painful and annoying. And a total bag of dicks.

Hee hee hee.

Also, it's orientation day on Wed, up at the ski-hill. So I'm going to learn to snowboard. >:D Should be fun. I haven't skiied in years...many years...but I was never much good at it anyway, so trying something new shouldn't be too bad. I hope. At least two guests have injured themselves up there.

So yeah, little terrifying. But it'll all be good. I hope.

Other than that...

Not much happening. As always, I'm marvelling at my capacity of screaming into the darkness of the internet, like what I use twitter for...no one reads this damn thing, so far as I know, and screaming into the darkness is...cathartic.

I likes it.

Whee

They had a staff trip to Hinton today, to go to the mall (which is smaller than Brantford Mall was, before they tore it down and replaced it with big box stores), so Bean and I went. We saw bighorn sheep and elk on the way, at the side of the road. And I couldn't get over how big the mountains are, or how clean the air is. I could see, high up on an impossibly huge cliff, the individual outlines of douglas fir trees and pines, with a clarity that completely escapes me when I'm in Ontario.

Hinton itself is little more than a strip of houses and bigbox stores, just outside the park gates. I Bean and I convinced our driver (the hotel's HR manager) to take us to Arby's, though we were the only two who wanted to go. So we ended up getting Arby's and eating it at the McDonald's, which is where everyone else wanted to go. I took a picture of our food on the McDonald's table. It was hilarious.

Of course, everything was funny because I was in that special state of mind that only the very tired reach, where everything, regardless of what it is, is funny and worthy of explosive giggles. This is what I get for working a night audit shift the night before.

Speaking of, that shift was a big bag of dicks. The computers decided that they weren't going to open the hotel program that was required to check people in and out. A late arrival, who was supposed to come around midnight, didn't show up until after I'd already done the audit - at 04:00 - so I had to fight with the one computer that was still working to get his reservation reinstated, which ended up with me making three reservations for the same room, under the same name, and then had to adjust the reports I'd already printed to reflect this. On top of that, the debit machine decided it wasn't going to play, and the guest had to pay cash - and I didn't get a cash deposit, because I'm a tool. And then my numbers became screwy and idiotic and didn't behave.

On top of all that, I had used the guest laundry to wash all of my dirty clothes, since it was the cheapest of all the laundries that I have access too (I miss Clayton's house more than anything, right now...Clayton too), and despite putting $4 into the dryer, it didn't actually dry my clothes. So I carried a bag full of wet clothes back to my place and then had to string them up around my room so they'd dry properly.

On the upside, though, I have a day off tomorrow, so I'll be able to do proper laundry at some point. Plus, I think there was something about going skating tomorrow, which might work out so that I can nip over to the thrift store and see if they have any used skates. Failing that, I might have to rent some. I would buy some, proper ones, since my last pair were shitty, but I haven't the money necessary. Plus, I just got a bathing suit, so I can go swimming. It actually fits, too, which is nice since it's got a built in bra thing, and when those don't fit, it's plenty obvious. Especially on me.

I just wish I didn't blorch out the back - though that will change when I actually cut down on my sugar intake and work out more. But it's a one piece, and it was less than $50, and, actually, I think it was the most expensive item I bought today.

Anyway, tonight's audit was much better. It went beautifully and quick and without hitch (*knocks on wood*) and all the computers are still working. We've already had one walk in, and though it was after I'd done the audit, I didn't have much trouble with it. So now I get to while away the next four and a half hours. I have no idea what I'm going to do, since solitaire isn't working on this computer and I can't watch anything...should have brought a book.